'Bachelorette' recap: Hot tubs in the desert

Prior Lake American

It’s week five of “The Bachelorette” — starring Prior Lake High School graduate Becca Kufrin — which means the cast and crew finally get to go somewhere a little more interesting.

In this case, that’s Las Vegas. Unfortunately, this also leads to an excessive amount of puns dealing with gambling.

“Las Vegas is the perfect place to roll the dice on love,” “she’s my Lady Luck,” “let’s take a gamble,” and so on and so forth.

Despite the forced puns, no one does any gambling during the course of the episode.

Instead, Kufrin heads out into the desert with Tia’s ex, Colton, for the first one-on-one date for a camel ride to a hot tub. A hot tub in the desert.

For those not yet initiated to “Bachelor Nation,” here’s a quick rundown of what you need to know: There are generally three types of dates — one-on-ones, where the lead goes on a date with one contestant, group dates, where the lead goes on a date with multiple contestants and two-on-ones, where the lead goes on a date with two contestants.

This continues, week-by-week, until the lead has two contestants left at the end of the show and gets engaged to one of them. If contestants receive a rose, they move forward in the process and if not, they’re sent home.

“Frustration has been the one consistent emotion that’s been with me the whole time,” Colton said about “overcoming” the fact that he dated former “Bachelor” contestant Tia before coming onto the show. “I was beyond happy with how that played out and how we got through.”

Colton talks about a previous relationship more than a year ago where he said the big “L” word and the feeling was not reciprocated and then he and Kufrin make out for a bit.

“We were in the middle of the desert in a hot tub!” Kufrin said. What an absolute riot. A hot tub, in the middle of the desert? Can you imagine? Things could not be zanier here on “The Bachelorette.”

During the dinner portion later that evening, Kufrin gives a rose to Colton.

“We are on the same page,” Kufrin said. “With you, we’ve already overcome so many obstacles. It hasn’t been the easiest route but you, out of anyone, I feel like it is our story.”

Colton and Kufrin then ride off across the Las Vegas Strip and continue kissing while standing in the sunroof of a limo, which seems like a hazard. In the background, a massive billboard that says “kiss her” beams its neon light for miles.

It’s like the show doesn’t even try to hide where its filming anymore.

“I can confidently say — I am falling in love with Becca,” Colton said.

Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason and Chris head out for a group date. That leaves only Jordan and David for a two-on-one date. Two-on-one dates are generally reserved for contestants who have an ongoing feud so that the lead sends at least one of them home.

David said “I can’t wait to send this clown home” while Jordan said “David is going home, let’s face it.” At least one of them has to be correct.

But before that, the men head out on the group and drive up to a Las Vegas mansion with a gilded gate and horses and peacocks roaming about the property.

The mansion happens to belong to singer Wayne Newton, whose signature song is “Danke Schoen.” This will become important later.

The group tours the mansion, which is excessively opulent, and meet Newton’s wife, Kathleen. He sings “Danke Schoen” to the group, then sings the same part to his wife and then claims that the two performances were radically different.

Newton reveals that the group date consists of each man writing a song about Kufrin to the tune of “Danke Schoen,” which is the second songwriting date of the season. These people aren’t songwriters. How many terrible songs must be written and heard?

“I’m not sure what ‘danke schoen’ means,” said contestant Lincoln, who, as a reminder, was recently convicted of indecent assault charges from 2016. “It probably means ‘the love of my life,’ ‘the one and only,’ something romantic.”

It means “thank you very much” in German. Contestant Wills on the other hand, knew that “danke schoen” means thank you in German and incorporates that phrase in French into his song. Worldly.

Contestant Leo sings his song to a horse, which promptly runs away — that’s a good sign.

“I was very impressed with almost all of them,” Newton said, most likely lying. “There is nothing I heard today that I would rush out on stage and do tonight.”

The men then learn that they now have to perform their song in front of an audience. It’s a good thing people are willing to show up and stay for anything “Bachelorette” or “Bachelor” related, otherwise that venue might be empty by the end of the night.

“Like a half hour ago, Wayne Newton was giving us lessons and now we’re on the show in tuxes so things have moved quick,” said Jason, who is on a show where you’re supposed to fall in love in eight weeks.

The performance goes about how you would expect when you ask a group of men consisting mostly of professional athletes and bankers to sing. The audience has to sit there for presumably a few hours and listen to different, terrible versions of “Danke Schoen.”

“These guys are kind of crashing and burning a little bit, but it’s sweet,” Kufrin said.

Contestant Chris ends up being the top of the bottom and the group heads off to the cocktail party portion of the evening at the T-Mobile Arena.

One by one, each contestant pulls Kufrin aside and has their alone time with her. Kufrin tells contestant Garrett that he makes her smile. Her and contestant Jason shout out to the ice from one of the balconies. Blake pulls her outside to tell her that he’s falling in love with her, which goes considerably better than when Jean Blanc did it.

“I’m feeling like the happiest girl in the world,” Kufrin said. “It’s such a complete 180 from the last group date. When I hear those same words it gives me the exact opposite feeling and it makes me so happy. It feels so natural and so right. I am falling in love with Blake, and I honestly knew it from the beginning.”

When Blake and Kufrin head back inside, she gives him the group date rose and ends the evening. Chris becomes irate that he did not have one-on-one time with Kufrin, despite having done nothing to remedy that and instead blames it on Kufrin.

“It is baffling,” Chris said. “I’m hurt, it’s not a pleasant feeling. I feel like there was no interest there. My feeling is if you want something, you’ll make time for it.”

He then goes on to complain to all of the other contestants, who made the effort to talk to Kufrin.

“I thought I was in a totally different realm since the one-on-one date,” Chris said. “For her not to spend time with me tonight, it makes me wonder if I even want to be here now. If I went home this week, Becca would definitely regret it.”

Based on the way Chris handles this minor inconvenience, that seems doubtful.

Then, it’s two-on-one time.

Kufrin once again heads out into the desert — this time to the Valley of Fire State Park — with David, whose eye is still busted from falling out of a bunk bed, and male model Jordan.

There’s not an activity on this date except to hang out on a shaded lounge placed in the middle of some rocks, so sparks start flying quickly — which surely was unintentional, right, producers?

“Just because we have the time I can figure out if I can move forward with both of these guys, with one of these guys or with none of them,” Kufrin said.

David goes off to talk with Kufrin about 100 feet away from the lounge, where Jordan has to awkwardly wait. David once again uses his one-on-one time to focus on Jordan instead of talking about his and Kufrin’s relationship thus far.

“He wants to date other women and he views you as, ‘OK, sure, I’ll date Becca, I’ll settle for her,’” David said. Kufrin becomes upset, understandable, because no one likes to be told that someone else is settling for them.

The men switch and David awkwardly chills on the lounge and Jordan and Kufrin go off about 100 feet to talk. Kufrin asks him about the “settling” comment.

“David has been jabbing at me all week — I do not jab at David,” Jordan said. “Everything is just totally manufactured. He has a way of manipulating words. David is lying.”

Jordan then opens up about his childhood, how his mother struggled with her mental health and that his family was very poor, but it’s all thrown together in the same rapid tone as earlier so it’s easy to miss.

“At this point, I’ve just got to defend myself in front of David,” Jordan said.

Kufrin heads off presumably an additional 100 feet while Jordan goes to confront Jordan on the lounge.

“Love is the greatest power on earth — being me is my greatest power!” Jordan said. “You are uninspiring. You lack integrity. You lack passion. You lack charisma. You lack your own personality.”

Kufrin comes back and all three of them establish that Jordan might have never actually said that he’s settling for Kufrin and that is what David perceives him as thinking.

“I feel like I’m back in sixth grade,” Kufrin said.

During the dinner portion of the date, Kufrin attempted to get Jordan to open up about his life and what he’s like outside of modeling. The pair instead talk about what Kufrin likes to do on the weekend (church and brunch), Jordan’s portfolio, Jordan’s skincare routine, Jordan’s hair routine, “Zoolander” (which is about male models) and Jordan’s career.

The two-on-one becomes a zero-on-one when Jordan does not receive the date rose and is sent home.

“I’m trying to compare this relationship against other relationships that are growing in the house right now and there is something missing here,” Kufrin said.

Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor and Chris receive roses, meaning Lumberjack John (LumberJohn) is sent home.

“I’m certainly bummed about it,” John said.